Q. My ex-wife has been diagnosed with BPD. I am currently fighting for custodial custody of our two children age 5 and 8. The reason why our marriage ended was because I could no longer function in the home due to her disorder. She would rage towards me in front of the children. Her violent outbursts, physical confrontations and outright lies about my life outside the home became unbearable. Because she is the mother, she has temporary custodial custody, but I have found it almost impossible to get school schedules, visitation schedules, returned phone calls etc. Every time I have reasonable requests, she goes off on one of her speeches about what a bad father I am and how my children would be better off if I was dead.
My lawyer has not been able to help. She is on her 4th attorney. She did not like the last court appointed psychologist because she was sure through the 730 process (which took 2 years) we had become best friends. To her I am the enemy.
She is not in therapy or on any medication that I am aware of. From what I have read and experienced personally, the children are in danger both physically and emotionally. I am deathly afraid of losing my children to her crazy lies and actions. I am willing to be reasonable and try to co-parent. However, because of her BPD she is not reasonable.
Can you offer any help or information I can give to the court appointed psychologist to help him better understand what is in the best interest of the child?
A. I thoroughly understand what you’re going through. Your ex-wife after a while totally believes the lies also – adding to her believability. BPD psychosis causes this.
The difference between family and criminal courts is this: in criminal court you have “bad people” pretending to be good, and in family court you have “good people” at their worst. It can be very difficult for “the system” to sort things out. Beware of “mantras” – where lies take on their own life force and seem more important than the facts.
The keys are 1) staying calm yourself – perhaps the most important factor – you getting very upset shows the court that both of you are somewhat unstable, 2) getting multiple opinions from different lawyers (one opinion is rarely enough) and 3) document, document, document. The more you are armed with facts the better your case will be. Properly treated, motivated borderlines can make excellent parents. Untreated, unmotivated, and vindictive borderlines hurt everyone – including themselves and their children.
It also helps to keep your spirituality on the front burner, to make peace with whatever happens.