Q. Dear Dr. Heller: I am a 42 year old attorney and Ph.D. At the moment, I am severely depressed and perhaps obsessed with my recently departed girlfriend (age 31), who is obviously “borderline”.
A. If true, who obviously “has the BPD” not “is obviously borderline.”
Q. I only realized this after we split, but it could hardly be clearer now. She is a stunningly beautiful woman, a former professional “escort”; she self mutilates, starves and binges, compulsively lying
A. compulsively lying is NOT a BPD trait.
Q…usually about me, for no apparent purpose, and was subject to incredible mood swings (love/rage) that were frightening to behold, much less be a part of.
When I met “N”, we were both active alcoholics. Following an episode during which a minor misunderstanding suddenly escalated into her attempting to frame me on a fabricated rape charge (for which I forgave her).
We both stopped drinking alcohol and have been sober for over a year. In sobriety, N began seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribed Zoloft; we fought less often and less intensely, our sex life was incredible, and I began to dare to hope that we could make a future together. I was and remain deeply in love with N, and have always been well aware that pursuing her would involve great risks of heartbreak, etc. Never have I given more of myself to make a relationship work.
About six weeks ago, a completely minor misunderstanding (my not hearing N say ‘hello’ when I came home from work) escalated into another huge confrontation. N left, without telling me where, for how long, or why, and stayed with her oldest and best female friend, B. While she was gone, I moved into an alternate residence our of anger, frustration and exhaustion. We saw each other several times after that, and spoke often on the phone.
N asked for and I gave to her $500 for an abortion. We made an agreement to work separately on our own “issues”, and then talk seriously about getting back together. Again, hope prevailed. Then, suddenly, B’s phone was disconnected. Three weeks later, I received a phone call from B, saying that N had “run off with” B’s boyfriend (a “bum”) several weeks ago. B also told me that N had faked the pregnancy, stolen my entire collection of rare jazz records, a suit, books, and had plotted to kidnap my beloved dog.
A. Those are signs of problems other than the BPD.
Q. I have the boyfriend’s address, and have written several letters that have been neither returned nor answered. Meanwhile, at N’s request when she left, I have stored most of her valuable personal possessions, family photographs, old letters, clothing, etc.
N is an intelligent, resourceful woman; she knows that I am really the only man who has genuinely cared for her as a person (as opposed to a sex object). My dilemma is this: I am uncertain as to whether I ought to give up on N (given all the progress she and I made together), and also uncertain as to whether I could forget her, even if I tried. My friends (including at least one M.D.) tell me that because I am a “rock” in her life, she will surely be back in touch with me at some point in the not too distant future.
A. Most likely.
Q. This makes it even more difficult for me to try to forget N. It seems important to me somehow that I have at least one honest conversation with her, even if we cannot be together, but I cannot contact her. In short, I am very confused and depressed over this person, and I would appreciate any advice/insight you may have. Thank you very much.
A. You need to read “Are You The One For Me” by Barbara DeAngelis. Love relationships are based on trust – which she has broken. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” She clearly doesn’t want you and is willing to hurt you severely.
You describe a “character disorder” – which unfortunately is not easily treatable at this time. The BPD can be treated. The moodiness, emptiness, boredom, chronic anger, dysphoria – they are all treated. There’s far more going on.
I believe those suffering from the BPD can go on to have very happy and successful lives. I do not generally encourage others to get out of their relationships with borderlines, provided the individual with the BPD wants to get better and is working hard on it. Your girlfriend isn’t.
I realize breaking up is hard to do, but it’s an option you need to look at very carefully.