Q. My partner has an ex-wife whose behavior creates enormous stress for all her family. She both pulls and pushes away…wants to see her children and then abuses them when she does. Everyone lives on egg shells and if anything important is going to happen you know she will do something to create havoc and chaos. As the partner I find it hard to create a balance and keep calm and understanding when you can never predict from one moment to the next when her outbursts will be. It concerns me that her children are subject to her at times irrational and controlling outburst. Its as if you are wearing the wrong colored socks on that day so she will chose not to allow something to happen or will tell the children they can go to their father and then call them back as they are about to hop in the car. The children just do as she says. Their compliance is very worrying. But they know they cannot do anything different without risking her rage. What am I dealing with?
A. I cannot diagnose her, and there are many, many problems according to your letter. What you wrote is consistent with, but not diagnostic of the BPD. The kids are indeed in trouble if your presentation is accurate.
My suggestions are:
1) Encourage your partner and his children to get into family therapy. A professional is clearly needed here. Diagnostic information can come from the therapist.
2) Print up sections from this website that seem relevant and give them to your partner or his ex-wife.
3) You may need to get into counseling yourself to cope with this situation, and particularly to see if it’s something you wish to deal with indefinitely.