Q. This is the first time I have been to the bpd sanctuary…most of the things I have read here make me think I again am doing something to hamper my getting better.
I like to cut. It makes the pain and the hurt go away…even for awhile. But it’s not normal, and more than anything I long to be a normal mom and wife. I cut really bad this last week, I don’t like people to notice, but of course they did….you can’t hide it forever. They asked what I did, what is THAT, and how did I hurt myself. I told them, very matter-of-factly, I cut myself. No big deal….it could have been on something instead of with something. But that’s not good enough. That’s not normal. There should not be marks on my arms. They aren’t bad enough ever to get stitches or see the doc….but they are still there.
My therapist, whom I trust with my life, says some people drink, some people smoke, some people abuse drugs, you cut….I can accept that, except….it hurts, deep inside where I live. Why won’t he do something????? Doesn’t he care that the cry is coming out, and he can see it but doesn’t say anything?
I HATE the medications, I take Serzone, Klonopin, and trazodone. or rather I am supposed to take the serzone. I HATE it! You know how demerol is supposed to make you sleepy? Well that makes me a chatty drunk….they used to give me enough for a 300 lb. man, and I would still be awake after 12 hours, migraine and all. The serzone makes me so tired, I can’t function and take care of myself, my kids or have a life.
We have tried all different types of elavil, effexor, zoloft, everything…and they all make me so tired, even after 3 – 4 months on them. I know it’s tougher without them, but I have to be able to be awake to work out these things. I have a wonderful Dr. who has been with me for many years….we work well together, except for meds. We live in a small town, 25,000 so there aren’t many places or people to get help from.
My adult abuser is still in my life. Hes not my husband, but a stalker whom I once had a relationship with….long story….but to make it short, it was hell of the movie making. Selling people, drugs, prostitution, domination, brainwashing, abuse of every kind, and the killing of four beautiful baby girls….well three courtrooms later, two judges and lots of questions…he’s still FREE and I am held in this emotional bondage. He comes once, maybe twice a month for a beating and sex and then leaves. My husband doesn’t know….I can’t tell him. You see, at least, at the very least, the beatings are touching… and my husband doesn’t do that much anymore.
I have no desire for sex in my mind. And then it’s the way I want it with whom I want it. Sex is love, beating is touching is love, hitting is caring…. wrong, my head says, but the heart and where I live, says at the very least, it counts for something that is missing in my life, and it’s what I understand. My father took that part of my life at three, and then shared his daughter with his friends until I had a baby at 17….it could be dad’s it could be his friends, we don’t know.
Some days life sucks….some days life is OK. Today, death and pain seem very real. I manage to keep a job, raise my family (more or less) get two masters degrees and over achieve in everything except getting better and being the “normal” that I want so desperately to be. This is long, but its better to talk than cut, and I am talented at both. Please respond. If there is a site, chat line, books, treatment, whatever, I want to know.
A. It appears your life is about as miserable as it could be.
First of all some basics: a) the BPD is not your fault, b) it’s treatable, c) the pain you feel is totally and completely unbearable, d) your self-mutilation is performed because it does indeed work to stop the pain, and e) the past doesn’t matter any more – it’s where you go from here.
You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that your life is a mess, and will continue to be so for a while. None of the medications you are on will help you much.
The principles:
1) what are all your diagnoses, they must all be successfully treated.
2) you need to get on the right medications, in the right sequences, and in the right doses.
3) you need to reprogram your brain to like and love yourself, to think like a successful person, and to be healthy in every area (not as hard as you think – what’s hard is continuing life as you are living it).
4) you must stop self-mutilation (also called parasuicidal behavior). While it does work to stop the pain, it wounds you. You know it’s wrong and harms your efforts to get better. The trick is to make the pain go away so you don’t need to self-mutilate.
I’ve treated many, many self-mutilators. They are no different from other borderlines, except their pain tends to be worse than others, and they found a way to stop it that works but makes them feel worse about themselves. There definitely is hope!