Q. I’ve enjoyed browsing the informative, caring web site you’ve produced, as well as Dr. Heller’s contributions.
I am a woman diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago, in my early 30s. I’m in therapy and started meds (Serzone) several months ago (no help yet). I have self-injured since I was a teenager, am eating-disordered, and now have some problems with alcohol abuse. I am “obsessed” with finding out why I am like this. Because I can think about past incidents now with little to no emotion, I have a hard time figuring out if an incident was significant enough or not (such as mother telling me she hated me, wished I was dead, etc.) to have had some impact on my development.
How can you gauge this? There are some hints of early childhood sexual abuse, but I have no memories of anything. Because I can’t find a cause, I blame myself for being like this. I’d also like to know if there are any guidelines for what constitutes sexual abuse of teenagers (such as strangers exposing themselves and masturbating in front of you, or being touched inappropriately while asleep). What sort of impact might that have on a teenage girl already suffering from depression and anger? I have a really hard time believing your biological theory and think that I must be to blame. Thanks for your help.
A. When I read your letter my thought was “where do I begin.”
First and foremost, the child is never, ever to blame for sexual abuse. Even if a child acts sexually inappropriately he/she needs to be punished and taught to stop doing that. The adult is always wrong to respond with sexual behaviors.
All the examples you described are horrible sexual abuses and absolutely inappropriate. The inappropriate behaviors and particularly the lack of concern for how you were doing would of course make a depressed and angry child worse.
Your likelihood of having the BPD seems very, very high. Medication could have a huge initial effect for you, although you will almost certainly need multiple medications.
Regarding your difficulty believing the biological basis of the BPD and other problems, I’m saddened for you that you are also burdened by believing things that aren’t true. If you believed you were a giraffe that doesn’t mean you are a giraffe. I highly encourage you to check out the facts. Your hatred towards yourself and others is blinding you to what life can bring to you.
Just remember, it never was your fault. Perpetrators of sexual abuse commonly blame the child or try to convince the child that she/he is bad. Unfortunately it sounds like you believed those perpetrators.