Q. My therapist is in the process of terminating with me. I have seen her for almost five years, and the reason she gives me for the termination is the nature of our relationship. I am very attached to her–I love her dearly. She wants this to be a healthy separation for me and a “good” good-by, especially since I have never had that experience. I feel as though I am dying inside, and I wish I would die outside so I would not have to go through this pain and anguish. I know that I have made tremendous progress under her guidance and support, but my old tapes are playing in my head that I am not good enough for her to treat, it is all my fault because I didn’t do all the things she recommended, I’m too difficult and frustrating, etc., etc., etc.
Could you give me some ideas? I need something to read to understand this process. I need some advice or some steps or some kind of project to follow to make sure I cover all the bases I am supposed to cover and to help me maintain some sort of sanity in between the body-racking sobbing episodes when my heart is shriveling from the loss.
A. First and foremost get all the correct diagnoses and get on the right medications ASAP! This reply is written with the assumption that you do indeed have the BPD.
“Breaking up is hard to do” and brings on many unpleasant feelings and associations. Since those suffering from the BPD will become dysphoric (anxiety, rage, depression & despair) during relationship breakup, borderlines have a much harder time with breakup of relationships. While this usually relates to loving relationships, it can be just as intense when ending a therapist relationship.
It’s also extremely uncommon for a BPD victim to like and love themselves, and the spectre of loneliness can seem very scary. You can’t be lonely when you love the person you’re with.
Your therapist is a fellow human being and has the right to end any and all professional relationships. She sounds kind. My perception from your letter is that you may be perceiving her as more than your therapist – a substitute parent, spouse, friend, etc. She’s a professional therapist with her own life. When I hear a BPD victim use the phrase “I love her dearly” my initial response is that this person doesn’t have self-love or acceptance in his/her life. Nobody can give you the love you desire but you. Then and only then can you receive love from someone else. That’s what healthy relationships are about.
It’s okay to feel sad – it’s part of the human experience. Experiencing dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair), is not. You likely need medication and medical assistance to deal with it. You want to move on and have a healthy, happy and successful life.
You also need to learn many things about how to be happy. This website is a sensational reference for books to read, how and why medications exist, etc.