QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My fiancé has a passive aggressive personality disorder that is affecting our life, his work and every aspect of his life. He wants to get help for this and we have seen a therapist, but with little results as she was unfamiliar with this disorder. He would be willing to meet with Dr. Heller or anyone he could refer. He lives part-time in Los Angeles, CA and Georgia, close to Atlanta. Any help would be appreciated.
ANSWER:
The passive aggressive disorder hasn’t been fully explained yet. I believe it’s a decision that’s made as a child that permeates all aspects of their life. The decision is “I’ll get even with you, I’ll stay mad at you the rest of my life.” Taken from that context, the passive aggressive disorder at least makes sense. The individual copes with fear, pain, and powerlessness by acting automatically in a passive aggressive manner. There are two things that need to be done to overcome the passive aggressive disorder: 1) All the diagnoses must be successfully treated that contribute to anger like the BPD and depression, and, 2) The individual needs to forgive and move on. There are many wonderful sources for letting go of fear and anger, some more spiritual. I like “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman as a good first choice, and listening to Zig Ziglar’s tape series. I have many individuals with the passive aggressive disorder who are doing very well. They have to learn a new way of life and how to be happy. If he’s willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish those goals he can do very well. If he is unwilling to do so, the passive aggressive pattern will likely persist and you will eventually become it’s victim as well.