Category: Articles

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

I just found out that my 22 year old son has no pubic hair.  He is ADHD with learning disabilities and I believe has always had a chemical imbalance because he would always be super happy or super sad.  Would the ‘no pubic hair’ have anything to do with the imbalance and why does that happen?

ANSWER:

There is no relation with ADHD and lack of “secondary sexual characteristics” such as pubic hair.  Whether he has a “chemical imbalance” causing anxiety, depression or other psyche problems is unrelated. He needs to see an endocrinologist – someone who specializes in glandular function.

Does having the BPD make one unfit to be a physician?

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

I lived 2 years with a person who suffers from BPD. I read Randi Kreger’s book “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” I can exactly confirm the experiences described in this book. I am a medical doctor and I have 10 years experience in my profession. As a physician, I am familiar with the description of the Inner World of the borderline individual.

After 2 years of living with a woman who has traits associated with BPD I must agree that it is a horrible feeling to realize I am the victim of someone who needs me to exist in the human society. I am feeling like a victim who was mentally abused by her.

At the beginning of our relationship I thought it was temporary, but now I have not seen any positive changes in spite of her 1-year psychotherapy. She is not able to accept the diagnosis of BPD.

She is going to become a medical doctor. Is it ethical to accept it? Can she take the responsibility for the patients as a doctor? She fulfills all the criteria of behavior that indicate BPD. I saw her out of control in the emergency room. It is not my revenge on her, but I think as a doctor I have to act and prevent the future disaster in support of the humans who are getting medical care from someone with BPD. Please send me your opinion.

 

ANSWER:

Many individuals with psychiatric problems gravitate to the health care professions. I’ve taken care of hundreds of borderlines who fit this category, although only a handful were physicians. One temporarily lost his license due to substance abuse.

If the diagnosis is accurate, stress intolerance will likely show up and cause problems. Of course it would help her enormously to understand the diagnosis and what she can do to succeed in every area of life – including relationships and being a physician. If her faculty members do not see a reason to withhold her degree, then it will up to her to find a way to cope, get treated, or choose a specialty more suited to her neurology – such as pathology. The BPD diagnosis does not exclude someone from being a physician. That she made it this far is a huge positive sign for her intelligence, creativity and perseverence.

As with everyone else, all the diagnoses need to be made and effectively treated. I’ve seen many individuals do phenomenally well when comprehensively treated medically.

I’d recommend the same to you regarding evaluating diagnoses – particularly why you would put up with abuse for a long time. The book “Are You the One for Me?” by Barbara DeAngelis may be particularly useful to you. I strongly recommend you listen to Zig Ziglar’s “How to Stay Motivated” series and learn these things for yourself. Not only will this reduce your future pain, but you will become a better physician as well.

 

1999 November Questions Ask the Doctor

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

I heard your radio show on WVLQ in Columbus, Ohio today (10/8/99) and went straight to your website. My question is how do I find a Doctor who can correctly evaluate, diagnose and treat my daughter thoroughly? My 12 year old daughter had been in counseling before depression and she is a classic ADD. While looking at your site and screening test, I saw myself as well. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

ANSWER:

I’m always looking for doctors to refer to who are doing similar work – making the diagnoses and treating them comprehensively. I’d be thrilled to make a section in my website for like minded individuals to recommend and possibly developing a dialogue with. I have two suggestions in the short term:

1. Read as much as possible about the disorders. “Biological Unhappiness” will be very helpful to you, and the studies I’ll be posting on the website should be of help to you.
2. Contact www.CHADD.org – an organization devoted to attention deficit disorder, they may be able to recommend someone in your area.

What Can be Done for Pathological Liars?

Diagnoses such as the BPD, Attention Deficit Disorder, and anxiety disorders can trigger lying as a way of dealing with stress.  This is particularly true if lying was the learned behavior as a child.

It can be difficult changing this behavior.  The first step is to get the diagnoses made and treated.  Affirmations, listening to Ziglar, and professional counseling are all crucial to recovery.  The bottom line, however, is that the individual has to make the decision that lying is not a smart approach.

It’s important to recognize that their lies could come back and hurt you.  It’s important to prevent that!

Another reference is: www.NoDeception.com.

QUESTION:

Dr. Heller,

For years I suffered from chronic depression and PMS.  Recently I was diagnosed with MS, and looking back, I can now see that the fatigue and mental confusion was a result of the MS and exacerbated by the other problems.  I am 52 now, and take Effexor for the depression.  I also now know how to manage the MS.  My problem is my ex-husband, who divorced me a year ago.  These things put a strain on our relationship and continues to, because he calls the MS my f…ing excuse.  It seems he almost tries to make things harder for me and it is impossible to talk to him about our son or finances without him getting angry.  He is 51, and off and on for 4 years now has been with a woman 23 years younger than he is who roller blades.  He gets extremely depressed when they break up, which is often.  I have tried to educate him about the symptoms I have and hope that someday he will see that it was the illness, and not me.  Is there any way to reach him so we can relate to each other as two human beings who are the parents of a teenage son?  We were married for 20 years.

 

ANSWER:

I know this sounds like a cop-out answer, but you’d be far better off working through this with a professional therapist.  The therapist can spend more time with you and give suggestions in this regard. One thing you can do is talk with your son.  People know when kindness and love are permeating your life instead of anger.  Your son can probably tell if what you say is done out of love.  You might consider telling your son that you have a disease of your nerve cells that has caused you lots of problems.  Showing him literature from MS organizations may help as well.  You can relate to your son that his father hates you because of your illness and that you want to get along for your son’s sake.  Ask your son for suggestions in this regard. Either way, you don’t need your ex-husband’s approval to be a successful person, or to treat your son kindly.

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

My wife of 12 years fits all 9 criteria for BPD, although she hides it very well outside the home. So far I’ve been able to stay on the roller coaster from crisis to crisis, but the latest one seems to be heading for a crash. Starting 3 months ago she has become obsessed with the idea that I am having an affair with the next-door neighbor (a woman in her mid-forties, happily married with two small children and not particularly attractive.) Nothing seems to change her mind, not even two separate polygraph tests which I easily passed.

She is also convinced that I am slipping drugs into her food and drinks so I can carry on the affair at night in our home while she sleeps, even right next to her in our bed. Her proofs are spots of make-up bits of hair she finds and collects. Every day and every conversation is a rotation of accusations, anger, tears, sarcasm and threats, with no attempt to shield anything from our two daughters, ages 7 and 10.

She says she is just waiting to save enough money to take the kids and leave me. She won’t get professional counseling, because she doesn’t think anything is wrong with her. When I suggest we go together, she thinks I’m trying to prove she’s “crazy” to get rid of her and save our assets. Even a group confrontation, with her 5 sisters, their husbands and her mother, has not worked in the past. The kids need their mother, and I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. Is there anything I can do to turn this situation around and avoid a disaster?

ANSWER:

You’re obviously caught in an extremely difficult position. Assuming what you’ve written is true and that she has the BPD, she is likely caught up in her psychotic memories. When fearful, angry or stressed, borderlines often misinterpret the world – seeing things from the perspective of a cornered and wounded animal. Unfortunately when the psychosis is over, things remembered during this state are often remembered as accurate. That’s why those with the BPD can seem so believable to an outside observer.

Medication can make a huge difference, but remembering things that didn’t actually happen is a very difficult thing to deal with. The individual with the BPD has to be willing to understand that some of their bad memories are correct, and others are not.

While you may need to take legal action, there are two things you can do that would make a difference:

1) Get into counseling yourself. This might help you with some communication, to sort out your feelings, and if legal action is required, the courts would likely look favorably on your case if you went into counseling first.

2) Get a copy of my first book “Life at the Border” – or print up the front cover and leave it on the coffee table without saying anything. Borderlines are in a great deal of pain, and usually find the front cover compelling. Once they start reading – and they understand hope is possible – you’ve accomplished an enormously important first step.