QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My Mother took me by the hand and led me to your site four days ago. She firmly believes I have suffered from BPD for the past 10 years. I am now 32 – female, and beginning to discover that maybe I have this disorder. I have been a functioning professional up until now, appearing confident and content (only my parents knew different).
10 months ago I encountered an unplanned pregnancy with my boyfriend of two years. I was scared, but not unable to cope with the situation. I was NOT, however prepared for the complete abandonment that followed from my partner, his words were “I want nothing to do with you or it”. I believe my stress/anguish led to the miscarriage. He returned weeks later to assure me he was only frightened, and he was terribly sorry. I forgave the incident, but never recovered completely.
I started taking Paxil four months later, and three months into my medication I became pregnant again (not planned and clearly the stupidest thing ever)and again my boyfriend ran. It threw me into a spin that was completely foreign to me: (In the past) I have gone into rages/threatened suicide/paced the room looking for things to throw/stalked/ or banged my head against walls when devastated, but this time was different, I calmly brought out my stash of alcohol and began to celebrate the end of my pain, I knew I was going to commit suicide that night. I reached out by phone to my boyfriend at the last minute, but he didn’t believe I was capable of hurting myself…but I did. I thought taking an overdose (90) pills of Paxil was going to kill me.
Unfortunately I simply ended up in the hospital throwing up for days. I was “counseled” into an abortion, and now two months later I have been prescribed Wellbutrin and I am now wondering if I have BPD? Or did the trauma of being so devastated trigger a depression? Or has BPD been underlying all this time? Will this medication help? I feel like giving up. If it wasn’t for my Mom showing me this site I think I would still be considering ending it. I hate feeling crazy. Is it possible that I unknowingly tried manipulating my partner that night? If so, I seriously need some help.
Thanks from Canada.
ANSWER:
There are many reasons for attempting suicide. The most significant one is feeling overwhelming pain, and genuinely believing there is no hope. Depression, the BPD, overwhelming situational problems, bipolar disorder, and drugs and alcohol can all trigger suicidal behavior. The BPD may be a cause, however the key is persistence of symptoms since early adulthood (usually beginning at puberty). The official criteria may be enlightening to you. It’s important to make all the treatable diagnoses and treat them. My screening test may be helpful to you in this regard.