How can I Deal with my Mother?
QUESTION:
Dear Dr.:
I’d like to know more about “fractured enjoyment”. I logged on to this Website to find out more about BPD because I was concerned that my mother may be suffering from it. As I read the information provided — the part that really fit were the fractured enjoyment bullet points. My main reason for looking into the possibility is that she has always been controlling, manipulating, SUPER sensitive, EXTREMELY low sense of self worth, always has to be “the victim”, but MOST of all — she absolutely cannot be reasoned with. She does not have severe mood swings, nor is she violent. Instead, when faced with any type of conflict or criticism, she clams up, pouts, manipulates an apology out of me or whom ever.
She has alienated most of the family from wanting to be around her — it’s just not worth it to them to have to walk around on eggshells. She doesn’t seem to be capable of being part of the family “team”, instead she purposely separates herself, but then punishes everyone around at time for “leaving her out”. Also, she feels it necessary to point out “how much she does” for everyone else — and no one does anything for her or thinks about her or cares about her, etc. Hence, all the pouting, and other behavior I mentioned earlier. I am 36 years old and this behavior of hers has and is taking up too much of my energy. Everyone else can ignore it and separate themselves from it — but I can’t “divorce” my mother. The fact that I am always concerned and worried about it only adds to my feeling of being manipulated by her. I, as well as other loved ones, have tried to talk to her countless times, but no one seems to be able to get through. I feel like a 5 year old would understand things that she either can’t or won’t. It’s REALLY frustrating! Help! Do you think she has a form of this BPD?
Thank you in advance for any comments or suggestions you may be able to offer.
ANSWER:
The term “Fractured Enjoyment” comes from the concept that their ability to be happy and enjoy life seems broken. Its more than the term “dysthymia.” It used to be called the “depressed personality disorder,” but this term is no longer used. The cartoon characters “Eeyore” and “Charlie Brown” are great examples. Whether your mom has the BPD or not isnt clear from your letter. She likely has at least one personality disorder, where she isnt acting out of her own best interests. The self-defeating disorder – which is not an official diagnosis – may fit. People like your mother are hurting very severely, and doing whatever they can to reduce their pain. It may not seem rational to you, but it often does to them. The best approach might be to get better yourself and lead by example. Hurting people are usually looking for answers, and if your mother sees you change and become peaceful, happy, serene, and unaffected by her actions, shell may ask you what youre doing and want to search for your path. I go into this at length in my books and in the retraining the brain section of my Website. I encourage you to get treated and learn all you can.
