Q. I am a 26 year old teacher from England. I am very worried about friend. She appears to have some of the symptoms of BPD. Other friends including myself noticed her behavior some 8 years ago. She would often fly off the handle for no reason and then weep uncontrollably for hours. She has also broken a bottle whilst out and cut her arms. A friend kept a diary of events from this time.
Her behavior is becoming much worse. She does not seem to be able to control any emotions. She frequently leaves night clubs with married men and we feel she is putting herself in great danger. She calls and swears at us if we try to intervene. She did admit a few years ago she had problems but she did nothing.
In about 5 weeks time myself, 2 other friends, and this girl are going on holiday to Canada and we are worried sick that she will harm herself or us, as her behavior is becoming worse. We spoke to her about it on Sunday and she agreed she had a problem but was scared to seek help but promised us she would. I believe she will not go for help. I cannot physically drag her there. Other friends are considering pulling out of the holiday and I think she thinks we are picking on her, but we cannot take her abuse much longer. I told her if she did not go for help then I could do no more for her. However I’m worried that this talk will be the catalyst she needs to do herself serious self harm.
If we did not say anything and allow her to continue her often bizarre behavior surely she would get worse? I would be very grateful if you could send me some advice on how best to deal with this problem . We want her to get better but it is making all of my friends anxious and we feel we are walking on egg shells awaiting her next outburst.
A. Your friend absolutely sounds like she is suffering very severely from the BPD.
I’m asked regularly how to let a borderline know they have a treatable problem. Having treated over 2600, I know this clearly – they don’t want to continue suffering. They also feel like a trapped animal and have no clue how to stop the problem.
I’ve often recommended putting my book on a coffee table, or a copy of the cover and letting them see the symptoms for themselves. I believe many sections of this Website will do the same thing. Find some areas that look good, print it up, and lovingly confront her with it – particularly when she’s doing somewhat better.
You are doing no one a favor by allowing out of control and dangerous behaviors to continue. You may also get caught in the middle in a disastrous situation. Be very careful. A good friend offers help not trouble!