QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller:
2.5 yrs ago I discovered that my husband was involved in an affair and I totally lost it. We’ve been together for 34 yrs. I was devastated. I never thought I could be hurt that much. It was overwhelming, but I started to fly into rages that even scared me. I never knew I could be that angry. I’ve never felt so betrayed. I even started to ask friends who had gone through the same type of situation if they had felt the same way, plus I started having problems with concentration, memory and thinking clearly, sleeping and eating. It has been horrid.
I asked my therapist if she thought there was more to my feelings simply because they were so severe. Everyone said they thought it was justified and understood. I haven’t been able to function completely normal and get over this yet and I’m wondering if I ever will. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment. It has affected other difficult situations that have come up and I seem to over-react and get too upset or angry. The affair was the straw that broke the camel’s back and this opened up a Pandora’s Box for me, I resented the lies and deception so much after all the yrs of ups and downs and I managed to remain faithful. I have been filled with hate. At this point we are considering divorce.
Does this sound typical or am I a closet BPD or do I have a biological unhappiness and it took this to bring it to the surface. Before this happened I was just an ordinary person with the regular bouts of anger, but nothing severe. I do think I have always been a melancholy person, but I have been ok. I’m grateful now for every little smile or laugh. I’m tired and I’m tired of crying. I’m so tired of these feelings and they concern me, I just want to feel emotionally sane and happy. Do I need help. Are my re-actions abnormal. My husband thinks so and has called me crazy and bizarre.
Im hurt and confused, help.
ANSWER:
Nothing is unique to the BPD. Its an exaggerated human response – even self-mutilation is something we all do when the noxious stimulation is severe enough (as in insect bites). You appear to be experiencing a profound, likely psychotic depression and overwhelming hurt. The way I explain the BPD is that fear/pain/stress need to be defended to protect against brain injury. The brain deals with the fear/pain/stress with psychological defenses. When the fear/pain/stress exceeds the defenses the individual experiences anger – which makes a hurt, powerless individual perceive he/she is strong.
When even anger doesnt protect, psychosis can set it (interpreting reality differently to better cope with the situation). I try to use the following example to explain the BPD: picture a pet dog that ran into the street and got hit by a car, breaking its leg. The dog limps into an alley to lick its wounds. A friend sees the dog and reaches out to help. The trapped, cornered, wounded animal instinctually lashes out. When this instinct kicks in inappropriately, dysphoria and psychosis result. The diagnosis of BPD requires a “pervasive pattern” – which you believe is not present. Id still highly recommend you do the screening test I use for my patients, and see whatever diagnoses may have been present before this happened.
Everything needs to be treated for you to get back on track. Part of your immense pain appears to come from the realization that you ignored the “ups and downs” with the expectation that he would only have sexual relations with you, and that your “sacrifice” of putting up with your disappointments was unrewarded. Unfortunately, this is an expectation that can never be fulfilled, and this expectation is hurting you severely. While your response is hurting him somewhat, its hurting you more. As the Chinese Proverb states “when you seek revenge, dig two graves.” He made a choice – that the positives he had with you werent worth the “sacrifice” of staying monogamous. You previously made a choice – that continuing the relationship and avoiding solving your problems was the best way to avoid pain. The book “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley may be enormously helpful to you. Im in no way minimizing your pain, nor am I condoning his behavior. I believe strongly against adultery – particularly with todays sexually transmitted diseases and the difficulty we have treating them. Having sexual relations with another, and then bringing the possibility of disease to your spouse is in my opinion morally wrong, and some day may be considered attempted murder, assault, battery or manslaughter. I hope for your sake that youve been tested for HIV, cervical cancer, hepatitis B&C and other sexually transmitted diseases.
I am suggesting you take charge of your own life. Once you realize the power belongs to you, your life can be rebuilt – hopefully without those “ups and downs” and your melancholia. It could turn out to be a blessing forcing you to change how you look at yourself, relationships and life. It may have been necessary for you to choose happiness rather than settle for less because youve invested time. It may be possible for you and your husband to re-establish a relationship, only this time based on better principles that honor both of your needs better. You dont know how it will end up. You probably need medication, at least for a while. You also need to make peace and feel you have a life left. Life is too precious a gift to waste experiencing vengeance and hurt. I highly recommend the books “Happiness is a Choice” by Barry Neil Kaufman, “Your Erroneous Zones” by Wayne Dyer, and “Looking Out for Number One” by Robert Ringer.
I hope this was of help.