QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I am married to a very bright woman of Italian ethnicity. She is a Lawyer, and was raised in a typical Italian household where children are “The apple of their parent’s eyes”. She has two siblings; a 30 year old sister with an MBA, and a 27 year old brother who did not finish college, and received poor grades in high school. He works as a policeman. The sister is married and will soon give birth to a child. Their mother is a full time pre-school teacher and homemaker. Their father is an executive in a large Italian financial firm.
The problem(s) that I have encountered with my in-laws are these: They do not communicate, and are very aggressive when they do. I have sat at the dinner table more than once, and not a word is uttered. In the beginning I thought they were just shy because of my presence. But, I now see that they are not communicative, and this has lead to a few problems. First of all, my wife comes very much to life when she is alone with me. But whenever she is in the presence of her parent’s or brother’s, she too becomes mute, and her personality takes a turn that I cannot recognize. I have brought this up to my wife on several occasions, and she agreed that she feels intimidated and “Conditioned” by her mother, and tends to close herself in. I repeatedly have told her to be herself, and that she should express her feelings to me more often. (This, by the way appears to be a serious problem in this family; lack of expression, or fear of it).
In almost six years of frequenting this household, I have never seen any of the family express themselves in a joyous or happy way, unless it was Christmas or another major event. I have never seen signs of affection such as hugs or kisses, and instead, notice that if someone does say something, one of the family members will either dispute it or ridicule it, and therefore this leads to a loud argument that will last only a few moments, and the winner will be the one with the loudest voice.
My mother-in-law, for instance, will never say “Thank you” if warranted. She has never admitted to being wrong whenever a rare debate arises, nor has she ever told someone “You’re right!”. I once played cards with her (at my invitation) and she did not pronounce one single word during the entire game, which lasted about 20 minutes. She will become very aggressive if someone were to contradict her, and is very sensitive if someone were to tease her.
The brother is pretty much a carbon copy of his mother. He still lives at home. The exception is that he has highs and lows in his moods, but this is annoying because it is difficult to relate with someone whom you don’t know how will respond to any given situation. He is very aggressive the few times that he expresses himself, and, maybe this is not relevant, he is very stingy and self-centered, and does not share with anyone problems or daily activities that may occur in his daily life. He is pretty much in a cocoon, and has no dialogue whatsoever with his father, who is a mild mannered 56 year old who is complacent with everything,, but who too is very quiet and inexpressive.
I have told my wife many times that I am very uncomfortable with her family, and that their lack of expression makes me uneasy, and I become very anxious. I consider myself to be a typical person who likes to talk, and will do so on any subject, even though not proficient or very knowledgeable of the subject matter. When my in-laws came and spent Easter with me and my wife, I told them that I did not put a television in the kitchen (as they have) because I felt that at the dinner table one should talk amongst themselves, and that eating together is probably the only time a family is together and reunited, and therefore the time should be spent constructively.
Do you think there is a problem here? Are there issues that should be discussed to alleviate any tension? Would appreciate a rely from you.
ANSWER:
Of course there’s something wrong. In the strongest terms possible I recommend you and your wife get into marriage counseling ASAP to get issues resolved before they become gigantic ones. She likely has minimal skills at expressing herself, and silent passive aggressiveness could become the norm in your household someday without active intervention. Peer pressure is incredibly powerful, and many believe it’s worse for adolescents today than it ever was. In this case the family is the “peer.” Even though you know what you’re trying to do is right for you (the TV in the kitchen) you’re still questioning yourself because of their influence. Imagine what effect it has on your wife. I highly recommend reading some books by Leo Buscalia about love and relationships. He has a very different impression on Italian families than does your wife’s family of origin. “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward may be very useful for your wife as well.