QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My wife of 12 years fits all 9 criteria for BPD, although she hides it very well outside the home. So far I’ve been able to stay on the roller coaster from crisis to crisis, but the latest one seems to be heading for a crash. Starting 3 months ago she has become obsessed with the idea that I am having an affair with the next-door neighbor (a woman in her mid-forties, happily married with two small children and not particularly attractive.) Nothing seems to change her mind, not even two separate polygraph tests which I easily passed.
She is also convinced that I am slipping drugs into her food and drinks so I can carry on the affair at night in our home while she sleeps, even right next to her in our bed. Her proofs are spots of make-up bits of hair she finds and collects. Every day and every conversation is a rotation of accusations, anger, tears, sarcasm and threats, with no attempt to shield anything from our two daughters, ages 7 and 10.
She says she is just waiting to save enough money to take the kids and leave me. She won’t get professional counseling, because she doesn’t think anything is wrong with her. When I suggest we go together, she thinks I’m trying to prove she’s “crazy” to get rid of her and save our assets. Even a group confrontation, with her 5 sisters, their husbands and her mother, has not worked in the past. The kids need their mother, and I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. Is there anything I can do to turn this situation around and avoid a disaster?
ANSWER:
Youre obviously caught in an extremely difficult position. Assuming what youve written is true and that she has the BPD, she is likely caught up in her psychotic memories. When fearful, angry or stressed, borderlines often misinterpret the world – seeing things from the perspective of a cornered and wounded animal. Unfortunately when the psychosis is over, things remembered during this state are often remembered as accurate. Thats why those with the BPD can seem so believable to an outside observer.
Medication can make a huge difference, but remembering things that didnt actually happen is a very difficult thing to deal with. The individual with the BPD has to be willing to understand that some of their bad memories are correct, and others are not.
While you may need to take legal action, there are two things you can do that would make a difference:
1) Get into counseling yourself. This might help you with some communication, to sort out your feelings, and if legal action is required, the courts would likely look favorably on your case if you went into counseling first.
2) Get a copy of my first book “Life at the Border” – or print up the front cover and leave it on the coffee table without saying anything. Borderlines are in a great deal of pain, and usually find the front cover compelling. Once they start reading – and they understand hope is possible – youve accomplished an enormously important first step.