- Why Is My Adopted Daughter’s Life So Bad?
QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I desperately need your help. I have been reading all of your information on the web, because I believe my 20-year old daughter may have BPD. Her past and present screams of chaos. She was adopted at age 5 weeks. She was a very difficult child and teenager, and now almost chronologically as an adult. She has great difficulties with relationships. For example, her roommates always move out. She is a pathological liar, almost since the first grade. She cannot handle her finances, as she is constantly overdrawing her account etc. She flunked out of her first semester of college, moved back home, met a boy (24 yrs. old) who is very co-dependent without a job or college education, and has moved in with him. She has quit two jobs (within a year) and has applied for two others and has not been hired.
We cannot talk to her because she is so angry. We have been to many psychologists over the years, with the same results. It is just her personality and she will outgrow it. She gets into relationships with boys who have their own issues and she controls them. However, I have read that “BPD’s” self- inflict or are suicidal. Is this a criteria? She doesn’t harm herself in anyway. She also seems to be very narcissistic. Can you be narcissistic and still have low self-esteem?
Now, to my last point. She has grown up in a very supportive home. We have given her every opportunity possible. My theory is that she is fearful of abandonment and doesn’t (subconsciously) believe she deserves our family. She sabotages every family function and every joyous moment. Do you think she may have this disorder? How can I go about finding out and getting her to cooperate in being tested?
I REALLY need your help. I feel her future is in jeopardy. Please, please respond. Thank you for your time and your website. It helps me to read about these experiences. I can look at this a bit more objectively when I am so frustrated with her behavior, and realize that she cannot help the way she acts.
ANSWER:
Adoption is a common link for those with the BPD. I suspect the parents of children put up for adoption are more impulsive and having trouble themselves. This is consistent with a genetic link. I’ve seen countless adoptive parents beat themselves up wondering what they could have done differently – and the answer is nothing. The outcome may have never been under your control. The anger, suicidality and self-mutilation symptoms are consistent with the BPD, and consistent with the criteria. If this is the case, she won’t “grow out of it.” It is treatable. Letting her see the front cover of “Life at the Border” may be of a huge help. Those with the Narcissistic personality disorder are often depressed.
