QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller–
I have written you several times over three years ago. Your insight and guidance has been very valuable to me in dealing with BPD issues with my mother. Since then, I have kept current with the literature on BPD and have done extensive research on my mother’s illness. Having some professional experience in mental health issues (I am a pediatric dentist) it has been most helpful in understanding my mother’s plight, and understanding my role within my own family’s dynamics.
After almost 8 years of no communication with my family, my father telephones to inform me that my BPD mom is in end stage renal failure secondary to polycystic kidney disease. Without a transplant, my mom will not survive. To my knowledge, my mom’s BPD has still not been formally diagnosed. One large problem is that my mom self-medicates. Her physicians should know about this, as this problem may affect the outcome of a potential transplant. My father is a physician and will not disclose any of this to her caregivers. Since I am one who “triggers” my mother’s rages, my input is not welcome.
After several telephone calls and dialysis sessions, my mom appears to feel better, and again has become verbally abusive, blaming me for the expense of 5 years of her psychologic therapy, and not being compassionate about her illness! These conversations were in the form of questions on my part about my mom. I was glad she was finally getting help. I politely ended the conversation, and have not spoken to her since. It is obvious, due to my mother’s condition, some closure must be brought to this relationship, however I am not willing to do this in a setting, where I will be verbally abused by both parents. I have offered to provide a mediator to establish a dialogue, however my parents have declined, and continue blaming me for the severed relationship.
Any suggestions?
ANSWER:
It doesnt appear you will get closure with her, you may have to do it yourself. The book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward may be of help to you. It may be of help to you to genuinely recognize that shes very ill, and it affects how she sees things – no different than if she was in a coma. If youre powerless to make things better, and dealing with the situation in person makes everyone worse, it may be in your best interests to stay away and make peace in your heart instead of in person.
Many children dont have the opportunity for a prolonged parental dying process to enable them to make peace, and have to make peace without the parent present. One area where many individuals like you have problems is with the commandment “Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother.” Honoring a toxic parent can be very difficult. You can honor her in an important way, however. Imagine that a magic pill became available that made her totally and completely mentally well. You need to be the kind of person she would then be immensely proud of. In other words, you can honor your toxic parent by being the kind of person he/she would be proud of if he/she were able to see things clearly and rationally. Sometimes this comfort is all you can get.