Q. I was initially diagnosed with BPD at the age of 16, which was almost 10 years ago. Since then I have also been diagnosed with OCD as well, and have been on a variety of medications, everything from prozac, luvox, anafranil, and paxil to imipramine and tegretol. I also grew up taking Dilantin, after experiencing a few grand mal seizures as a child and being diagnosed with epilepsy.
I continue to read bulletin boards such as these, hoping to find a glimmer of hope beyond these magical pills every doctor seems to be prescribing. I have been reading your responses to questions as well, along with medication, you suggest intense therapy. The point I am trying to make here is the situation is altogether hopeless, with 10% of BPD’s committing suicide, and another 50% spending their lives doped up on drugs or medications, financially and spiritually broke as a result, and the rest of us holding on to some small thread of hope. What’s the point?
As a BPD, I am consistently misguided by glimmers of hope and recovery, and led up and down an emotional roller coaster. My work suffers. I am incapable of relationships, altogether emotionless except for the angry monster raging in my head. To top it off the medical profession complains about treating BPD patients. Insurance providers concerned only about the bottom line are more than happy to slam the door in your face in your time of need. No one gives a damn, no one! We live in a world of social Darwinism where the strong survive. Obviously there is no room for me, or for anyone else that suffers from this damn disease. If I was schizophrenic, I could be hospitalized. If I was depressed I could take med’s, if cancer, then chemo … but with BPD your just SOL! What are the options, where can I turn, why should I care, what’s the Point?
A. There is no question the BPD is a horrible affliction, one you didn’t cause, deserve or ask for. You’ve also encountered common experiences of rejection, refusal of treatment by the medical and psychological profession.
You’ve also developed a “maladaptive psychological defense” to protect you from your suffering – you hate yourself and have chosen to believe that there is no hope. It seems easier to hate than to commit to recovery. I don’t believe at all that you can’t be successful and happy, but it’s totally your choice. You have some spiritual issues that need to be addressed. Almost all patients I deal with suffering like you find the book “Embraced By the Light” by Betty Eadie to be enormously helpful. Understanding that perhaps all this suffering was for a good reason can be very healing and motivating. The most destructive human emotion is revenge, and the most helpful and healing is gratitude.
Believing there is no hope and that borderlines should in effect be executed is wrong. The BPD is a medical illness, not a character disorder. I know many wonderful human beings who are doing very well from their BPD, and some horrible people with minimal values, integrity and/or love who don’t have the BPD. They are separate issues.
You have been disappointed with your medications. There are two issues that must be addressed here: 1) it’s not just the medication, but the right medications, in the right doses, in the right sequences and at the right time of the day. 2) no medication will change your attitude or your determination to have a happy life. Lifting symptoms like dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) can make a huge difference, but you have to want to be happy.
Hating yourself, medications, God, doctors, therapists and the BPD will never get you where you want. It can seem like the right thing because temporarily the pain can seem less, but it never, ever works.