Q. I do not have BPD; I am, however, a co-dependent personality (3 marriages – one a schizophrenic, one an alcoholic and the most recent BPD). Although my Vietnam vet husband has been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD, came from an unhappy childhood and has suffered through two major “breakdowns” in the past 10 years, he has never been definitely diagnosed as BPD to my knowledge. He is currently diagnosed as suffering from manic depressive disorder, adjustment disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and passive aggressive personality disorder.
We have been together for 12 years; I have read the “DSM definition of BPD” and can state that every indicator with the exception of suicide and/or self-mutilation is STRONGLY AND OBVIOUSLY present in my husband.
He is currently taking Depakote, Wellbutrin, Xanax and Zoloft. I don’t understand how his doctors could have missed the diagnosis; he has been hospitalized twice for lengthy periods of times, yet none of the doctors has ever been willing to ask me how I perceived his behavior.
We are currently separated as his most recent incident escalated into a situation where he became violent (although he still maintains he remembers nothing of the violence or threats) and could easily have killed someone. There were numerous witnesses to his bizarre behavior that day, yet he maintains it never happened, that he was the victim.
My question: I am afraid to allow him to return to the home under any circumstances, despite his crying and begging, his promises to seek treatment and change. Yes, he is seeking treatment, but only because I had him forcibly removed from the home and ordered into the hospital by the court. It has now been seven weeks, and it appears to me that his condition is worse than ever. He can’t carry on a coherent conversation, although he is a highly educated man; he sends e-mail that makes no sense, full of misspellings and incomplete thoughts. He “stalks” me telephonically, calling repeatedly despite my insistence that he not call more than once a day, in the evening. He claims that his medications are supposed to “kick-in” after 8 weeks and that then I can “trust” him again.
I don’t know if I love this man; I don’t know if I’ve ever even known who he is, separate from the BPD. He has never been “normal,” although he is extremely attractive and can be very charming and persuasive when he wants. He has been unimaginably verbally abusive to my daughter and I, both. At the moment, my daughter is seen as EVIL (his description, in several letters to me) and I am a goddess, doing what was necessary to preserve our home and marriage.
If he is not being treated for the BPD, if he continues on his present course of medications, how will I know if it is safe to let him return? His is not a mild case; he is totally dysfunctional. While I would not want to throw away a marriage if there is a chance to salvage it, a chance for both of us to have meaningful and rewarding lives, I will not under any circumstances allow a return to what has been happening here. His doctors won’t discuss his case with me, as I said. He presents very well as a victim, particularly to women doctors who apparently have difficulty hearing what he isn’t saying, seeing past the tears and the obvious emotional turmoil. At one point about 10 years ago a tentative diagnosis of BPD was made and a suggestion of treatment in a hospital on the east coast was rejected by my husband and his other doctors. He wants to come home to recover; I have to refuse unless there is some assurance of proper treatment and eventual recovery. What can I do and what should I look for?
A. I treat many people in similar situations, and I am continually reminded of just how much suffering there is in this world. Much of it seems so unnecessary.
You bring up many important issues. First you are not “a co-dependent personality.” There is no such thing. You have self-esteem problems, thought patterns, and behavior patterns that have destroyed much of your life. No matter what happens to your husband, your life will continue to be miserable as long as you live in a manner that ALWAYS leads to misery. Your daughter’s road will be a very difficult one as well, and her best hope is for you to become a happy, successful, peaceful person. There is a consistent fact of life, your adolescent and adult children will only listen to you about life if you’ve got the kind of life they want. Do as I say not as I do won’t ever cut it.
Can you be happy, loving, peaceful and successful? Yes, it’s not only possible, but it’s mostly in your hands. The past only establishes habits and automatic thinking patterns, it has nothing to do with the future.
First you need to find out if any biologically treatable disorders are present in you. Many people with disorders such as the BPD associate with “worse” borderlines so they don’t feel the need to improve themselves, whether that fits you or not I don’t know, but it is common. Get the medical treatment you need, and make sure your doctors and therapists explain the diagnoses and treatments so you know what’s going on. It is your life. The Internet and many books are available for information.
Next is acquiring better information. Most people like you assume you know what to do, and keep trying ineffective plans over and over again. Good psychotherapy can be enormously useful in this regard, particularly if you are determined to succeed and are looking for someone to assist you in your goals, not to be a paid friend.
The next step is reading. I often tell my patients, “when all else fails, read the directions!” I would recommend the following books to you immediately: “Your Erroneous Zones” by Wayne Dyer, “Looking Out for Number One” by Robert Ringer, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, “Embraced By the Light” by Betty Eadie and “Are You the One for Me?” by Barbara DeAngelis. Most problems have to do with perspective and understanding, not what is actually happening. Everything you do that hurts you hurts you, everything you do that helps you helps you.
You need to retrain your thinking as well. I would strongly recommend you immediately purchase Zig Ziglar’s tape series “How to Stay Motivated.” You need to listen over, and over, and over, and over again. Stop watching the news and listening to painful music, and start listening and learning about how to have the life you want. The 18 tapes cost around $225. Many people consider that to be too expensive, yet waste more than that on alcohol, cigarettes, soft drinks instead of water, etc. A visit to a marriage counselor, or a few visits with an attorney over a DUI or drug arrest for a child or you makes you realize that $225 would have been a great investment. There is no law preventing you from working part time for a few weekends (convenience stores are a good source of income) in order to pay for them. The telephone number is 1-800-527-0306. Tina Downey has been helping my patients. I have absolutely no financial incentive or relationship with Mr. Ziglar or his tapes.
Regarding your husband:
There is no such thing as a “breakdown.” A “bad childhood” is a partial explanation for what happens to us, but it’s only the past. A “bad adulthood” is not necessary. Many enormously successful and important people have had a “bad childhood.” He clearly has multiple neurological problems, that don’t appear to be adequately treated medically – particularly if you review the literature on the BPD. Xanax is sometimes necessary, particularly for panic, but has been shown to make borderlines lose behavior control more often. I did a small study comparing Prozac with Zoloft, and Prozac was clearly and dramatically better. Depakote in particular is excellent for bipolar disorder, but isn’t as effective as Tegretol for the BPD and behavioral seizures (which could cause the memory loss).
Certain behaviors are totally unacceptable: violence, stalking, being nice “when he wants.” Why not all the time? Isn’t that the kind of relationship you want? Those books will help. There are two things necessary for a great relationship, and you can have one: 1) you have to be the kind of person the kind of person you want wants, and 2) you have to know what you want. How can you hit a target if you have no idea what the target is and no idea how to reach the target?
You are having trouble looking out for your own best interests, although you are starting to change this. You wrote “I don’t know if I love this man,” “he is totally dysfunctional,” “he has never been normal,” “he has been unimaginably verbally abuse to my daughter.” You also wrote “while I would not want to throw away a marriage if there is a chance to salvage it, a chance for both of us to have meaningful and rewarding lives, I will not under any circumstances allow a return to what has been happening here.”
The BPD wasn’t effectively diagnosed or treated until a few years ago. Borderlines can have very happy and successful lives, but I’ve never seen anyone reach that point who wasn’t totally committed to happiness and success, read the books, and was well treated medically – and enthusiastically took the medication – grateful for the opportunity to have a great life instead of resentful that medication was necessary. Without question the borderlines who listen to Ziglar the most did the best.
Your last question was “What can I do and what should I look for?” – the last paragraph answered that question. He has to be totally committed to doing the same things I recommended to you. When you do all these things together with commitment and love, you have an excellent chance.
The opposite of co-dependency is self-responsibility. No one has the power to make you feel bad but you. Happiness is a choice, and a happy, successful life is a series of choices, perspectives, and knowledge. Many people like you have trouble acting out of your own best interests, and this recommendation usually clarifies things: “what advice would you give your daughter if she was in this situation?” I wish you well and I hope I was of some help.