Q. I have a mother who is definitely borderline, though undiagnosed (at least to my knowledge). She lives 600 miles away, and has for 14 years had major heart disease after a major and destructive MI in 1986 with recurrent, serious complications. She has kept the rest of us (my young sister, stepfather and I) in thrall- there is no better word- ever since. Waiting on her every whim, putting ourselves in jeopardy to satisfy her demands which efforts are invisible anyway, accepting her limits on us as well as her. I have just been diagnosed and am being treated for PTSD, am 50, single ,desperate and very worried what to do if my poor devoted stepfather goes before her. ( I have been sick that he is suffering, but am told he must be responsible for his choices). Two weeks ago, he had to be in CCU for 6 days after, as part of my treatment, I sent a letter questioning something she said, and she took her rage out on him. Now he is back with her, and my hope is that since I am the Bad One, he can get some relief.
Right now, I have not been in touch (my therapist says I must not call back while I am likely to give in). I am trying to find support on BPD central, but feel the advice to set boundaries, and “what are you getting out of this mistreatment” very harsh, considering that my parents are both ill and arent going to change; at this point, (mother 74, stepfather 79). At the same time, my life has been on hold for them, I have made too many sacrifices and I am on leave from work to find some recovery. If I could move to Australia, or better another planet, I would.
Have you any advice?
Any information or tips on this convoluted situation would be appreciated. Mother has however rejected any form of psychotherapy as inappropriate for her, refuses to take prescribed antidepressants, and lashes out in ferocious rages at any imagined slight. Is there any hope? What can I do?
A. Yours is not an uncommon problem. There has been some recent data that the BPD goes away with age, others believe it changes and reflects itself in different behaviors. Assuming your mother’s diagnosis is correct, her problems are clearly out of control. There’s also more than just the BPD going on.
Doctors refer to her placing manipulation and control ahead of getting well as “secondary gain.” She appears more interested in attention and being in control than she does getting better. She’s doing what she believes is best for herself.
I don’t know what all your diagnoses are, but your therapist appears to be very wise. People like you and your stepfather often suffer enormous consequences from her illness, especially health wise. You are at a significantly increased risk of heart disease and cancer because of this stress.
There’s an old saying that fits this situation well: If someone is drowning, it’s very noble of you to jump in and try to save her. But if she determined to drown, and she insists on taking you with her, you have to let her go. You seem to understand this based on your comments about moving to Australia or another planet, yet you also feel responsible for her.
It appears you are still desperately seeking her kindness, love and approval. You are not going to get that from either helping her or abandoning her. It will have to come from within. She is likely too ill to give you what you want and feel you need from her.
A problem children often have with abusive and irrational parents is how to obey the biblical commandment “thou shalt honor thy mother and thy father.” Included in the biblical passage is a responsibility to take care of parents in their old age. The dilemma many individuals have is trying to help an elderly parent who is extremely abusive and toxic, injuring the health of the child. It’s not your job in life to be abused or suffer ill health when your parent refuses to seek health, kindness and love.
My usual recommendation in this situation is: 1) Understand that she’s ill! She has been hurt as much as you, or she wouldn’t be like this. 2) Consider the possibility that some day a magic medication may become available that makes her completely, totally and absolutely mentally well. You need to be the kind of person that she would be proud of should she become well. In this way you truly honor your mother by being the child she always really wanted, but was too ill to have. 3) Help the physicians with plans, but realize that’s really not your mother there. It’s an extremely ill person who doesn’t realize or care what she’s doing or saying. Since there’s no magic potion yet, you must honor your mother by taking care of yourself and not getting involved in her pathology.
Seniors often become psychotic in the hospital (particularly the ICU), and believe very delusional things. Mentally healthy children understand that it’s not their parent doing that, but an illness distorting reality and thinking. You need to do that.
As long as your mother has the legal right to make her own decisions, she has the right to refuse antidepressants or any other medication. There is no reason to presume she’s going to change, only you can. The hope you’re looking for rests with you. The only hope you really have is to become a totally peaceful, serene and loving individual who doesn’t react to your mother’s remarks & actions.
While no guarantee of success with her, it’s a guarantee of success for you – and it offers your mother the best hope possible.
Instead of focusing on how to change your mother, which you are highly unlikely to do based on what you wrote, you need to focus on making your life happy and peaceful. I’m sure your therapist will agree. Learn to live your life instead of living your mother’s life. When you were born she wanted you to be happy and successful. Honor your mother’s wish!