Q. I met my boyfriend online about 4 months ago. He and I could talk for hours over the phone and not be tired of it. Then he asked me to come over to see him (about 2000 miles away). I agreed, thinking that we both wanted the same in life and willing to take that step.
Two days after I got there he told me that he would like it if I left earlier, that he felt trapped by having me there all the time. I didnt know why, wondering what I had done wrong. He finally explained that it wasnt me, that it was he that couldnt deal with someone around and that he truly did care for me. The rest of the week was wonderful, we had a great time and leaving wasnt easy for neither of us.
When I came back home he became distant. I knew he had things in his life to resolve (he was in a abusive home and with alcoholic parents) but I wanted to be with him again. He told me later on that while he was in the Army he had been diagnosed with BPD. Hes never been able to have a stable relationship though he really desires one. He just cannot deal with everything going on right now and says he needs his space. I couldnt give that to him being such a needy person.
He had recollections of being sexually abused also but couldnt remember everything, only bits and pieces. He wanted to get the help, and finally found a therapist he liked. He wanted me to be there with him when they would hypnotize him. I wasnt sure if I should buy a ticket and go, I was afraid of him telling me to leave early. He told me he was sure and really needed me now. So I bought the ticket the next day. Well the day after he changed his mind… couldnt afford the therapy. So now he doesnt want me to go and see him. Tells me he wants to get his life back in order first.
I really do care about him and do love him from what I know of him. He wants the help, he wants to be able to pursue a normal loving relationship, but right now cant seem to handle it. Hes afraid of me coming down to see him, asks me to leave him the space he needs. I am willing to do that now. I dont want to lose him.
I feel hopeless right now. I want to be there for him but I just dont know how to handle everything. I feel like Im on a huge roller coaster ride. All I know is that I do want him in my life, hopefully someday as husband and wife. Im worried about him.. I want to help him, be there for him, and try to understand him and whats going on right now…..
A. There is an old saying: “I wanted love in the worst way, and that’s just how I got it.” If you completely eliminate the BPD from your story, you clearly are having problems yourself. You’ve only known this individual for 4 months, and at that via e-mail, your experiences with him haven’t been good, he described to you a need for counseling and a refusal to pursue it, you don’t feel good in the relationship, and yet you wrote “All I know is that I do want him in my life, hopefully someday as husband and wife.” Why?
You definitely need to get some help and find out how to act in your own best interests, especially before you become a parent. Counseling for you would be an excellent idea. I very strongly recommend you read the book “Are You the One For Me” by Barbara DeAngelis.
The opportunity to be in a warm, loving, supporting and nurturing relationship is a special gift God has given to all of us. It’s important to know yourself, become the person the kind of person you want would want, and be happy in everything you do. When you look to others to bring you happiness, all you’ll ever find is disappointment, frustration and pain – that’s not what others are there for.