Tag: Abusive

Is There A Connection Between BPD And Abusive Partners?

    Is There A Connection Between BPD And Abusive Partners?

    QUESTION:

    Dear Dr. Heller,

    Hi, I wanted to know if there is a connection with those who have BPD and are married to abusive partners.  I have BPD and seem to have the pattern of marrying men who are abusive.  Currently, I am married to a very abusive man and cannot seem to break free.  I do not trust myself with decisions, and I don’t know if it is because of my BPD or just a factor of the abuse I have suffered.  Let me know if you have found this to be true.

     

    ANSWER:

    It is indeed common.  There are many reasons such as tolerating the level of anger, feeling profoundly relieved when a spell is over (which can stop a dysphoric spell), self-hate, etc.

Separator (Biological Unhappiness)

 

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Is There Hope For This Abusive Mom With BPD?

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

First I am giving you only one side the story, knowing that…My wife is a child abuser and undergoing a court mandated Psychological Exam (in 1 of 2 court proceedings that she has been accused of Child abuse in).  She has been abusive to children even under supervised visit situations taking them off away from the supervisors and mentally tormenting them (they are in therapy now, disclosing horrible events from the past, both 6yrs old.)

My wife’s past is atrocious, filled with so much junk that you feel very sorry for her (I mean bad).  But currently we have an infant together and I fear for his safety.  What kind of future may this hold.  She WILL NOT get help, she lies almost compulsively, Dysphoria, gaslight, etc.  She is a 9 of 9 in the DSM-IV with many extreme case examples, and other PD’s also.

I have been coordinating with many professionals and I am looking for as many resources as possible to help the infant now because of my mistake (the other boys are from a previous marriage of hers and a non-marital pregnancy while she was exotic dancing).  What dangers does a 9/9 BPD person pose on an infant?  According to the boys counselor she has deeply damaged the boys psychologically over several years and now they suffer identity disorders, anger mis-management, on and on.  I have copied your cover, and your message to BPD’s because first she needs help, and I haven’t been able to help her, but I also could not watch her attack and beat children.  This has been very difficult.  But it seems so text book, as long as your reading a BPD or addiction text.

 

ANSWER:

Certainly some individuals with the BPD are significantly tougher to manage than others, and hers seems a prime case.  I’ve seen many “severe” borderlines go on to become stellar human beings, and those with “mild” cases become extremely abusive, manipulating, hurtful, and destructive.  It’s very hard to predict, and I’m extremely reluctant to pre-judge. Fitting 9/9 criteria doesn’t suggest to me that someone is a higher abuser risk than others.  There’s no direct correlation with number of criteria.  If she has been abusive in court appointed supervised visits, the courts may choose to step in and stop the visitations for a while.  Your best approach for now is likely to take care of yourself and become happy and serene.  This will do more for your own children than anything a court can do.  Focusing on your wife, her problems, and her behavior will likely make everything worse for all of you.  You’ve probably done all you can at this time.  Therapists and attorneys will likely need to guide you through the maze you and the children are now caught in.

How Do Hormones Affect BPD – A.K.A.  Dyslimbia?

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

I am so excited by your discoveries and the new name, Dyslimbia, that should be adopted in the next DSM (how can I help push for this change?!).

Question: Do women with Dyslimbia frequently have post-partum or post-abortion dysphoria (or post-miscarriage) that you are aware of?  Are dyslimbic women likely to be very affected by changes in hormones?

I am the Director of Counseling at The Hope Clinic, a nationally renowned abortion provider in the Midwest.  Abortion counseling has been and is my life’s work – in particular, post-abortion emotions and how women cope.  For the past 5 years I have suspected that the subgroup of women who have extreme post-abortion reactions are those with the BPD (drugging & drinking, self-hatred, blaming others for the abortion, sleep disturbance and nightmares, self-destructive behaviors such as cutting themselves, indiscriminate sex, relationships with abusive men, obsessed with pregnant women and babies, screaming protests outside abortion clinics, eating disorders & self-mutilation and suicide ideation & attempts).

There is NO research yet on the possible link between dysphoria after abortion and the BPD, but a published researcher from Arizona is interested in exploring this with me.  I am very interested in your experience with female dyslimbic patients and their descriptions of how they coped after an abortion, birth, or miscarriage.

 

ANSWER:

Individuals with BPD (I agree Dyslimbia is a better name, but I don’t know who to contact) are very much affected by hormone changes or imbalances.  I agree that a high percentage of those with post partum or post abortion depression have the BPD.  I’m not aware of any research.  Borderlines commonly have low thyroid – and low thyroid has recently has been strongly linked to post partum depression.  I think you’re on to something!

Can You Help my Passive Aggressive BPD Husband?

    Can You Help my Passive Aggressive BPD Husband?

    QUESTION:

    Dear Doctor,

    Please point us in the right direction…my 39 year old husband is diagnosed with BPD with passive-aggressive…he just came home from the hospital because he wanted to commit suicide. (He had 2 serious suicide attempts five years ago) We had a discussion about his abusive father and his ex-wife (who had visitation taken off him 6 yrs. ago) and he ended up transferring all the blame to me.

    Because of his passive-aggressive tendencies, he said nothing until it was almost too late. He has severe epilepsy in his family (his daughter has “drop, cluster” seizures and is severely retarded, but a routine EEG on him was normal. He is taking Zyprexa and Wellbutrin..Prozac didn’t seem to work!

    Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.

    Thanks.

     

    ANSWER:

    The passive aggressive disorder severely complicates the situation. It usually develops when an individual experiences enormous frustration and anger, and is afraid to express himself honestly.

    Forgiveness is the key here. Prozac followed by Tegretol is usually the best approach. I haven’t seen any borderline on Wellbutrin and Zyprexa who have done well. The screening test may be of enormous use to look for other diagnoses.

 

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How Can my Friend Discover That Hope Exists?

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

A friend who exhibits depression often – goes into hiding with himself for days. He has a problem with anger. He takes everything personally and explodes at people – rants and raves – loudly and expressively with his hands and arms. He is a large man, so he scares people – even though he is mostly verbal, no one knows when he might snap and become physical. I have tried to tell him that everyone is afraid to approach or talk to him or ask him anything, because they are afraid of his rage – even about very minor things. He has gotten worse over the past 5 years. I have tried to tell him this, but he does not see that he is verbally abusive and disrespectful to other human beings in how he speaks to them (yells at them). When he is quieter, calmed down, he will admit he has a problem but doesn’t know where to start to find the right help. He keeps procrastinating in going to get help – and always has an excuse – including that it is ‘everyone else’s fault’ that he reacts as he does. I keep telling him that he ‘over-reacts’ abnormally to things – in comparison to other humans. He ends up unhappy and depressed way too often and over too many things that are not that “big of a deal” . He has not been able to maintain a relationship, nor has he been in any long-term relationship, with any woman since he was in his early 20’s.

What can I send him to read? Where can I direct him? He is more likely to read and study before he will seek actual one-on-one counseling. Thanks.

 

ANSWER:

That’s what the covers of my book have been designed for. If the BPD is present – which seems likely – the cover of my first book “Life at the Border” can be printed from this website. The cover of “Biological Unhappiness” can also be printed up. The back cover shows many of these symptoms and can be found on the home page. The “Screening Test” will likely be of assistance as well. Most people with anger problems are suffering and would like for their suffering to end. That’s the purpose of my work.

Is There a Place my Ex-girlfriend can get Information?

QUESTION:

Dear Dr.:

My soon to be X-girlfriend, is a 31yr. old adoptee. Her adoptive parents are good people, told her at about 3 yrs. that they went to a place where there were lots of wonderful babies, and that’s where they got her. After seeing her birth mother at a wedding, with her happy 7 grown children, she seems to be on a downward spiral of self-destruction.

Our relationship was dysfunctional and abusive. It seems that I am the rescuer here, She is like a vessel that cannot be filled, constant attention, $, love, isn’t enough, Her abusive behavior seems to fit into the Borderline Personality Disorder category, blames me, over reacts to trivial things and blames me, drinking to much, puts me down, berating in public and privately, thinks that she is somehow better than me, constant validation from men, criticizing me to everyone she meets, has a convenient memory, I have left the relationship as I have seen the light of my enabling and co-dependency, low self esteem, etc., etc. I know this sounds ridiculous but , she truly is a wonderful lost little girl, who desperately needs help, is there a way you could help me to help her? A test of some kind , a starting place to open her eyes to the possibility that she might have a disorder of some kind?

 

ANSWER:

The screening test I use for my patients will be of use to her. The front cover of my first book “Life at the Border – Understanding and Recovering from the Borderline Personality Disorder” has been made with your purpose in mind. If the BPD does fit, she can go over the criteria.