QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
My daughter lies to me all the time. She also has other problems. For instance, she can make herself believe that her behavior is warranted. If she wants to do something she will do almost anything to get to do it. She has had 2 relationships w/ boys. Both were VERY destructive to her self worth. She has always been a pleaser, she used to want to please myself and any other adults in her life, but now she shows that same desire but it is toward her friends (boys and girls). She seems to show no remorse unless she gets caught lying, but even when she knows she is caught she will argue her case even if she knows how hurtful her lies are. She will perpetuate it to get herself off the hook or confuse me enough that I will drop it. Also, if she thinks she isn’t getting her way she will try and do something to make me mad at my husband (her stepfather), so that I will jump on her side, feel sorry for her and give in to her wants. (I am sure you realize this has worked for her before.)
I will admit that I was very protective over her when she was younger. I think after she got to be around 13 she and I broke away from that but she still knows I won’t let anyone harm her. She is now 17 years old, she got pregnant last year by her 2nd boyfriend. She didn’t tell me. She did tell him and all her friends. She even told them that I knew. She lost the baby at 3 ½ months. She had dropped out of school 1 ½ months before she lost the baby and started in a private school. After she had problems there she went back to her high school. It seems as though everything she has ever been involved in, she somehow becomes a victim.
Her friends always pushed her around although she has gotten better about that. She has a very large heart and although she doesn’t show remorse in her actions, she shows disappointment in her life. She has no idea how badly her behavior effects her self worth. She insists on not making the tough choices in life. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She is a master at manipulation. She smokes cigs and drinks some but she doesn’t use drugs or sleep around. She is very afraid of the unknown. She is steadfast loyal to those she loves. She shows very little interest in anything other than her friends. It seems as if she is searching very hard for happiness outside of herself.
When she was 6 years old I had a therapist tell me she was the youngest codependent she had ever seen and that when she turned 13 she would be worse than I was. I am a codependent but I am much better than I was before. Her father is an alcoholic, he hasn’t been in her life much. I did protect her from his behavior as much as I could without drawing attention to his problems. She always felt sorry for him until he broke a promise he made to her when she was 13. She told him “DADDY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPEND ANY MONEY ON ME FOR X-MAS IF YOU’LL JUST BUY MEGAN A PAGER.” (Megan is her little sister.) Up until then she never made him accountable for anything. But instead of buying the pager, she overheard him and his mother arguing over his crack-head girlfriend that needed to be bailed out of jail. He bailed her out. She has never forgiven him. She says she doesn’t care if he lives or dies. It was always okay for him to hurt her but her made a very big mistake and hurt her sister. I hope you can help me to help her. I get so angry sometimes and so depressed I just don’t know how to help her.
PLEASE HELP ME.
ANSWER:
You’re obviously going through a horrible time. The principles remain the same… 1) Do the screening test for her and for you and her father, and possibly other siblings. Genetics plays a tremendous role. 2) Get her treated medically ASAP! Nothing will likely be successful without the medical problems treated. 3) Fet her and you counseling ASAP! 4) Consider going with her to a weekend seminar such as Zig Ziglar’s Born to Win, or Barry Neil Kaufman’s Option Institute