QUESTION:
Dear Dr. Heller,
I was never miserable as a child. I came from a Brady Bunch family. I don’t know what my problem is. For the last couple of years I’ve been depressed. After my first love left me, I tried to commit suicide. I felt so lost and saw no hope. I always feel insecure and need constant reassurance in relationships. I read about personality disorders, and connected most with dependent personality disorder. My biggest fear is rejection. If someone leaves me I go out of control. I fly into a rage and feel this intense heat come over my body. I always feel like its my fault, and end up in total depression. Some days I have road rage so bad and feel like “so what” if someone hurts me, it will be better than feeling this pain.
Also I’ve noticed that all I do is complain about my problems, and the solution to me seems out of reach. I read your list for mentally happy people and realized that I put my happiness second to the person whom I’m in a relationship with for fear of rejection. I know that is not normal and it scares me. I carry anger around with me everywhere, mainly for lacking self confidence in every aspect of my life. I can remember as early as the second grade not finishing a project because I thought that mine could never look as good as my friends.
I know this is long, but I’ve never spoken so openly about myself. Now that I look back at what I’ve wrote I can’t help but feel like I’m defective in someway. I envy happy people. I don’t want to live my life miserable and afraid anymore.
Please help.
ANSWER:
You appear to have some medically treatable diagnoses. Prozac should have a profound effect in stopping some of the depression, rejection sensitivity, chronic anger and moodiness. The screening test I use for my patients may be of help. You possibly have the BPD as well, and I’d recommend you read http://pks.947.myftpupload.com/AskDoc/First-Do.htm